Top 12 Things You’ve Wanted To Say To Your Noisy Rude Coworkers

Ever feel like telling off your rude co-workers, but didn’t quite have the words? Here they are. I can’t claim credit: it was written by my coworker Jon Bowers. Enjoy!

My Open-Office Workfest Manifesto*

1. My 3 year old understands what an inside voice is. He also poops himself, eats peanut butter bread off the floor and watches Cars 2 seventeen times a day. You don’t even have “inside voice” down. You went to College. Think about it.

2. Turn off your phone. You are not cool or an individual because you found a rare Kanye B-side. You are a loser with bad taste in music. Really bad. Seriously, Kanye? You’re like 55?!?!

3. Turn off your computer volume. The only thing worse than hearing you talk about nonsense is listening to you type it in IM. This gets bonus points if each of your IM cohorts has a tone particular to them. This is R2 D2 with Terets, not a work-conducive office environment.

4. No humming, singing, tapping feet, drumming or whistling. School of Rock was a movie, not what we signed you on for. You are here to count things and make sure numbers match. Do that. THAT, is a damn symphony in C if you ask me.

5. If you whistle, I am allowed to punch you with no recourse.

6. I don’t know what is for breakfast tomorrow. Do you know why? It’s noon today. I’m sure between now and then you can take 10 minutes to solve this Rosetta stone-like conundrum by using a tone softer than a Hawker Harrier taking flight, but until then open up an excel spreadsheet and pretend you still have higher brain function.

7. You laugh like Butt-Head. You know that right? Like BUTT-HEAD! And I know I may be one of the few here old enough to get that, the show is back on so you KNOW, the chickens are coming home to roost ya’ll. Butt-Head.

8. I think it’s awesome you have a home life. I just don’t want to hear you discuss it all day with your significant other in Chinese, at 120 decibels, which incidentally, is the most pleasant of all languages to scream.

9. No farting.

10. If you whistle Bobby McFerrin, I am allowed to punch you in front of your kids.

11. If you reference a Kardashian, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl or any variation of these shows with any volume above whatever decibel “ashamed” is, you are DEAD TO ME!

12. If I refer to you and your voice as “Squidward”, it is not a compliment. You are not “Handsome Squidward”, just the regular one. And louder than the regular one. And somehow more squidlike…

*This was written in 15 minutes on my lunch break observing the room that I work in. Repost. Maybe Amnesty International or PETA will step in and support me with some Sarah McLachlan music to set my dire situation into true perspective.

I didn’t even get into the person that makes the “Lollipop” popping sound with her finger from time to time like she’s a Foley Artist on a Pixar set. My head nearly implodes with all the comedic options on that insanity.

Now – what else do you have to add? Share below!

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